Good night, my beautiful boy: Losing Dragon

So unexpected it was, this ravenous cancer that within a week had reduced my 8 year old, energy-filled Shih Tzu into a weak, lethargic and shrinking companion. Monday afternoon we went to the vet and after x-rays saw the culprit for what it was, a massive tumor of the spleen that was encroaching on his digestive system, causing him to feel full in his tummy and making him not want to eat. There was also fluid accumulating around his little heart causing pressure on his lungs as well as his heart. Yet he managed a tail wag now and then. Maybe he felt my distress, my anxiety, my worry and perhaps my hope that somehow he would get better.

It was not to be. Tuesday morning brought the blood test results. With a white cell count of 42K, his body full of lymphocytes, a host of smaller tumors appearing overnight, the vet and I knew that his quality of life had diminished considerably and that there was no recovering it. With my heart breaking, I made Dragon's final appointment, an hour and a half after the phone call that had revealed the awful truth: my golden boy's time had come to depart and return to his Maker.

I spent my time on the carpet, laying next to him, massaging paw pads and gently scratching ears, murmuring word offerings to him in the voice he had come to count on for comfort and love. He would look at me with a sort of gratitude that seared my very being. And patiently he waited with me in the silence of an overcast morning.

I was numb with the reality of the coming hour and what it would mean to me: sorrow, loneliness, grief, the tearing of the fabric of my soul to lose this precious life that had given so much to me, that had decided to love me back, and be the most faithful of companions.

I then thought of what the coming hour would mean to Dragon: healing, newness of life apart from this world and its frailties, eternal life with God, meeting my mom and our other dogs in a place of eternal summer, this place where they will wait for me and one day greet me by saying "What took you so long?"

But now, in this moment I only know loss and the silence of a home once shared and played in together, where a greeting awaited me, full of prancing paws and wagging tail...little yips of "hello!" and grunts of "Take me out!".

As he left this world I held him close, partly wrapped in a little faux sheepskin, in my arms. I told him how beautiful he was; I thanked him for loving me; I said I love you more times than I can remember, and then I wished him good night and that one morning I would greet him again. In spite all I have written here, there are truly no words to express the devastation such a death of such an innocent brings.

After he died, I was left alone with him. I arranged him on the sheepskin, perhaps for my comfort more than anything. Alone with him I found myself bent over him, my face buried in the soft fur of his still and quiet chest, weeping and moaning into him, holding little feet and precious head for I don't know how long but after a while a knock came and I knew it was time to let him go, body and soul. My dog-child was gone. The technician tenderly cradled him in her arms and crying, asked me if I was ready to let her take him. I said yes and kissed his head one last time, the scent of holy oil filling my nostrils along with his own unique scent. She assured me that his body would be treated gently as if he were only asleep. I thanked her as she left, and I turned and rolled up the sheepskin that had held and comforted him, and then I left to go home without him who had been my constant companion, through good times and sorrowful times.

I have decided to have him cremated for purely selfish reasons. When I am ready I will let him go, but honestly, I'm not prepared to do that yet, nor anytime in the near future. It's about faithfulness, fidelity, honoring the memory of a creature sent to you for reasons known only to God. Dragon taught me much, but then all dogs do. They have ways of being Zen masters, true disciples of their Creator, and also the comedian who makes us laugh when nothing nor anyone else can.

And so I write this memorial to my dog, my most trusted confidante and companion in life. I love you, Dragon, my beautiful boy. Good night, my lion dog. I long to see you one bright morning...

"God, You bless me so I bless. You make me your own, and I carry your goodwill into the world. I have places where I go door-to-door, bed-to-bed, sick-to-sick. I bring good news, a smile, a touch, understanding, a flower, empathy. They are glad when I come. We pray. They wave when I leave. But it is not over. They wait and I return. I stay with them, and they with me, while we are apart. You give us this gift of real presence. I am here to be well." ***

*** from Herbert Brokering's "Dog Psalms: Prayers My Dogs Have Taught Me." Augsburg Books, Copyright 2004.
The last photo was taken when he was in his prime in 2004. He is looking up at my mom who died a year later.

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Posted By Catherine + to Come to the Table... at 2/20/2008 07:21:00 PM

Human Update with Long-Eared Ones Saga

She's better. Improved. She plays with me more now. She still gets sad sometimes and wants to give up but she doesn't. She worries about me and what would happen to me if something happened to her. I can't let THAT happen!

So I try not to scratch inside my ears. I tolerate the fizzy stuff she puts in them to make them feel better and kill the groaties in there that make them itch. I don't drag my butt on the carpet anymore either. She lays on the floor [but not where I used to drag, you -know-what] with me and talks to me about stuff. I pay dutiful attention as if I know what she's saying. I watch her eyes...they tell the story. I lay down beside her head and sniff her hair...smells like fresh air and sunshine. We exchange puffs of air as we breathe at our rest. She gets the quiet hint and rubs my tummy and back and sides...feels so good. I know I am loved.

This morning, she put the long-eared ones in long boxes with holes in the sides and took them away all day long. They were quiet. I tried to cheer them up before she took them away. They didn't come home with her. I liked visiting them outside. I will get her to tell me what happend to them. I know she didn't hurt them...she's not like that. She is kind and good, always doing things for other creatures and humans too. She doesn't ask much for herself, only some doggy snuggles and wags.

The long-eared ones were very cute, actually. Her's a picture or two of them that I had in my secret furcoat pocket.













...and another of Chappy, who looked after his sister and brother as he got bigger and older...

Mom took some more pictures of them the last couple of days but we don't have them yet. They have grown a lot since September 2006.

Well, I need to go out and take care of things before bedtime. She looks tired from wherever she's been today. I'll make sure nothing troubles her sleep. Bye for now.

What to do...

I have a very sad human here. My mom is not doing well at all. She cries a lot and frankly I am stumped as to what to do. I try very hard to be good and make her laugh and feel better. Sometimes it works but sometimes...well, a lot of the time it doesn't work. So I lay down and think a lot about things but often I fall asleep doing just that, thinking. I get up in her lap and try to make her feel better. Sometimes it works. I know that she pets my fur I think she feels better. Somehow doing that makes her feel as if her love has somewhere to go. I like it lot but I know she needs more than must a dog with great fur to pet. I look into her eyes and I see so much unhappiness. She keeps mumbling about not leaving me and that she simply does not know what to do.

I know she has friends but they don't come around much. She thinks that they are getting tired of her being sad so much. If that's the truth, they aren't being very good friends. She needs lots of encouragement to get out of the house. Yeah she spends a lot of time at home with me. And when she feels a little better she takes me for a walk. I get distracted and that sort of bugs her but she's pretty good about things. Sometimes she carries me home because we have been going so fast I get tired and want to just sit down a minute. But she gets a little impatient, though she never hurts me, and she will pick me up, hold me to her should and carry me home.

I just have a view of the world receding instead of progressing...makes for interesting dreams.

When we are out front in the outdoor room, I get to scamper wherever I want, but she just sits on the wooden bench under the Japanese maple trees and stares at her flower bed under the Leyland cypress. Sometimes she holds her head in her hands for a long time. So long, that I have to come over and make sure she's ok. She usually is if she hasn't been crying...

So if you are in the neighborhood and stop by to see her, tell it it will be ok, and that she is cared about...maybe invite her to dinner or out for soda. Maybe take her to a movie SHE would like to see. It could help, 'cause I get worried. I don't want anything to happen to my mom.

Hopefully,

Dragon

Dog Days Way Too Soon!

It is not easy being a furry creature. There is no way to unzip the outfit and take it off for a while, you know, to let body parts BREATHE!

Mom gets me the shortest haircut possible and has my ears trimmed too. I look so much younger that way...sigh.

The heat in southern Oregon has been a bear lately. Mom says the little box with funny letters in it says it has been over 100 degrees the last three days. Lucky for me, she takes me for my walk early in the morning when its nice and cool for me. That way I am ready for my mid-morning nap by the time we get home. She's been keeping me inside most of the day except to go you-know-what, but it is so hot out I can't wait to get back in and have some tasty water from my big dish.

The only think I worry about when its this hot is when the clouds start to come in and then we might have a loud storm. I DO NOT like them. The sound scares me and so I get really shakey and follow Mom around. One time I followed too close and made her fall down. I was sorry and she wasn't mad so I guess we were ok.

There's not a lot to do during weather like this but lay around and dream of steak, and ice cream [though I never get any...] and chasing cats and bunnies for fun, never to do harm. Mom says I dream and that I try to run and bark in my sleep. A likely story...where does she come up with this stuff anyway???

My advice to all my pet fans is to lay low during the hottest part of the day, drink lots a water, get over being afraid of the wading pool and kick back and relax. It's a dog' life all right...and that's fine by me!

Too much TV?

I've been watching the picture box with Mom this evening, and we were watching pictures of people helping dogs and, yeah...C-A-T-S. I suppose if dogs could cry like humans I Mom might have noticed, but some of the tales were sad, downright sad.

I am SOOOOO glad Mom came and got me when she did. I've got it pretty good. Except for those rides in that big metal thing she does those errands in. When I go in that thing its never a good thing. Its' either going to the place where they poke, and prod me...although I have to admit they are nice to me. Sometimes I get to meet other dogs too, that's pretty cool but then...there are C-A-T-S too. Not real crazy about them. But I usually end up feeling better after I have been to that place...wonder why that is???? Hmmm.

I've noticed on the picture box when we watch the stories about other animals and how badly they are treated by their humans, it makes Mom mad. Probably not the best thing for her blood pressure...whatever that is. But for me, it's good to know that help is out there for me and my kind. Makes me thankful for where I am and who I own.

The other time I go in the big metal box is to the place where some stranger gives me bath, puts me in the wind tunnel thing and then cuts my body hair. I tell you, sometimes they get a LITTLE too close for my doggy comfort, let me tell ya...yep. But no damage has been done to me bodily, thank the Maker!

I don't particularly care for going to the fluff and buff place but I think it's because Mom has to leave me there for a while by myself, well, at least with strangers. Maybe its a flashback to when I was given up and feeling left all by myself. But it gets a little better each time because Mom always, without fail, comes back for me. And she is always so glad to see me! She opens the hole in the top of the big metal box and lets the wind in. Ohhhh, gotta love the wind, guy, it is what a dog lives for! A nice stiff breeze through the facial fur does the trick!

When I watch the picture box from my cuddler and blankies by Mom's chair, I often hear about things called "humane society", and "aspca" [I'm just repeating what I hear]. They sound like they are places that are good and treat us well; they take care of us if we are sick or hurt, especially when our humans don't take care of us or deliberately hurt us. That I just don't get. Oh well.

ARRRRawww....boy, am I sleepy...again. I have lost count of my naps so I better take another one...I may have missed one. Hang paws, and talk to you again soon....chuff, snuff.....chuffffffff.

Hi, my name is Wigwag and I am a Shih Tzu. My human, CW, found me at the Jackson County Animal Shelter, ready to be given up by a mom and her pups. They were having to move to an apartment and couldn't keep me or my brother. I was so young then, I can't remember his name but he was very shy and was scared. I tried to tell him it would be ok. Last I heard he was in a loving family in Talent, Oregon. I am glad for him, as all of us deserve a good home.
Now, about ME! I am adorable, cut a dashing figure, and I am furry and good. I like to sleep as much as possible and go on my walks, on a semi-regular basis. I love shouting at Maggie across the street [she is an awesomely sexy bearded collie...sigh...a bit on the tall side but I can overlook architectural appearances to see the real inner dog].

Mom said I could post whatever I want about any topic except sex because, frankly I don't know what that is and she isn't telling. She said it isn't' important for me especially since I don't have any "crown jewels", whatever they are...or were...hmm.

[Note to self: self, look up this phrase in Canine Dictionary by King Charles Spaniel...yeah...].

I am sure I will become more creative in my posts once I get the paw of it. Mom is kindly playing secretary and typologist for me since if I tried to type this stuff I would end up doing what Noodle does at the Geranium Farm, "LLLLLLLLLLLLLLL". That's Noodle, Barbara's cat. Idiot cats...oops, sorry, promised no name calling.

I am a dog of faith according to my Mom. There are, however, things that Mom doesn't know about me, like, I am only in doggy mode when she is awake. You see, I talk to Maker when she's not around...which seems to be a bit frequently when she is out gardening, or running those mysterious errands and so forth. Anyway, I digress...
I am actually here with Mom because Maker knew I would be of help to her when times got tough, and they have been pretty darn tough this last year. Yeah, she has other humans that help out, but its us "pets" that really help and do the hard work when no one else is around. And that's ok by me. We know EXACTLY what to do at moments like that...yessiree!

I am about 5 and a half human years old which translates into about 35 and half canine years. I have about three beds in the house if you don't count the recliner and sofa, oh and the low to the ground patio lounge with the nice cushion. I also enjoy a nice patch of green grass when the inner dog beckons me back to my wild ancestral beginnings.

Things I like to eat and the vet says is ok because I have a sensitive tummy are lowfat cottage cheese, cultured vanilla yogurt, Iams or Eukanuba kibble, scrambled eggs in olive oil [Mom learned about that from some human home diva named Martha Stewart], well-done Angus hamburger crumbs, just to name a few. I also get ice cubes in my water dish when its hot, inside or out.

I am essentially a good dog, as I don't chase the postal carrier, delivery humans or other humans. I do get excited when humans visit us [its part of being truly hospitable like Mom is, not that she jumps on them or anything]. Occasionally I have an "accident" but I swear IT IS NOT MY FAULT! I will give the resident rabbits a good run for their chow but they always outrun me and will...they tease a lot too but I guess I will just have to put up with it. It's not like I want to hurt them or anything. I just like making friends, like Mom.

Well, that ought to do it for now. Until next time, Hang Paws!